Funny Quotes in English

Funny Quotes

6 Peg Loading .. 😀

Funny Quotes

Save water drink beer.

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Life is Short – Chat Fast!

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Caution, Blind Man Driving.

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Gravity always gets me down. 🙂

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Whatever it is — I didn’t do it!

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I can handle pain until it hurts.

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What do girls want? EVERYTHING!!!

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Friday is my second favorite F word.

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Every time I drink I get awesome 🙂

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How can i miss something i never had?

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I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.

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At least mosquito’s are attracted to me.

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I think I got a fever, a fever of you 🙂

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I speak two languages, Body and English.

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If you don’t care stop talking about it.

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If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_

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Nothing is illegal until you get caught 🙂

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I am so cool, my selfie is called a kulfi!

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TODAY has been cencelled. Go back to BED 🙂

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I love my job only when I’m on vacation…..

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Kiss me and you will see how important I am.

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She loves me or not but I love her a lot. 😛

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I’m not short, I am just concentrated awesome!

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I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.

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I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.

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Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal my status!

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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

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I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep 🙂

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Everything funnier when your supposed to be quiet..

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People call me mike .. You can call me tonight.. :p

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GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.

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Try to say the letter M without your lips touching.

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Money can’t buy LOVE but can buy WOMAN to make LOVE

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God is really creative , i mean ..just look at me 😛

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If you can’t find the key to success, pick the lock.

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Life is too short smile while you still have teeth…

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My name is I. My problem is love. My solution is you.

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You can stay in my heart without paying single penny.

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I’m on a whiskey diet.. I’ve lost three days already.

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My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours.

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Only fools fall in love and I guess I’m one of them 🙂

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If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.

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Sorry… I’m not Rihanna. I don’t love the way you lie.

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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.

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The only thing I gained so far in THIS YEAR is weight 🙂

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Milk does the body good but DAMN how much did you drink?

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We live in WTF generation – Wikipedia, twitter, facebook

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I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes!!

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Behind every successful man… There is a confused woman.

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Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship!! 😛

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Please GOD if you can’t make me slim, make my friends fat.

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I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice 🙂

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I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them 🙂

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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

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I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

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We are WTF generation …. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook 😀

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It’s been 70+ years, Tom. You’re never going to eat Jerry 🙂

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Excuse me! Ye lijiye aapki soch. Mujhe giri hui mili thi. 😛

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You can never buy Love….But still you have to pay for it ..

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Who needs television when there is so much drama on Facebook.

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Everything is 10x funnier when you are not supposed to laugh.

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I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. 🙂

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Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.

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I really want to work so hard. But being lazy is so much fun.

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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out!!!

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I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. :p

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Some people have relationships and some people have patiyala.

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Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.

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Girl, you better have a license, coz you are driving me crazy!

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I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat 🙂

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Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. 🙂

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Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.

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Dear mom and dad, when I lie to you, it’s for your own good. 😛

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I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!

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I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. 🙂

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All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

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The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

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If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking 🙂

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If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror 😀

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If life doesn’t scare the shit out of you, you’re doing it wrong.

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Bitch is just a term used for girl who refuses dog’s proposal. 😛

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Whoever says “Good Morning” on Monday’s deserves to get slapped 🙂

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Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.

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If College has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking 🙂

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Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.

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Dear Food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat 🙂

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I’m Jealous Of My Parents… I’ll Never Have A Kid As Cool As Theirs!

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Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing. LOL

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I don’t usually sleep enough, but when I do, it’s still not enough 😉

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Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. 😀

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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

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I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. 🙂

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God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China 🙂

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Girls, if he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs. send him to KFC.

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The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is “Salary is Credited” 🙂

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I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi 🙂

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Its better to fail than to cheat but its better to cheat than to repeat.

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One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

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Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a train, fall in love and never return.

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Excuse me …. Plesae empty your pockets …. I think you stole my heart.

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HEY YOU, yeah I’m talking to you, why the hell are you reading my status?

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When I’m a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When I’m Driving I Hate Pedestrians…

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I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.

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Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture 🙂

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Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

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Today’s Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.

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The question I have not been able to answer is “What… does a woman want?”

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I gotta go to work today because millions of people on welfare depend on me.

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After getting drunk, Bachelor of Technology turns into Master of Philosophy.

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Flip a coin… If head comes, I am yours, if tail comes then you are mine. 🙂

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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always!

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Dear LOL and Hamm, Thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say. 😀

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Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you are so damn funny.

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You can never really say what’s on your mind, when your family is on Facebook.

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If Sunny Leone marries Sunny Deol, she will also become Sunny Deol 😛 😀 😛 😀

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Dear Sleep! I Know We Had Problems When I Was Younger! But NOW I Lubbb you 😀

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Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software…it’s called #Monday, please fix it

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My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lol

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My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.

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It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.

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Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”.

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I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won 🙂

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What i if told you…you the read first line wrong… same with the second… :p

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Checking your symptoms on Google and accepting that fact that you’re going to die.

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Our generation doesn’t ring the doorbell…we text or call to say we’re outside…

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Always wear cute pajamas to bed you’ll never know who you will meet in your dreams.

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Girls use photoshop to look beautiful.. Boys use photoshop to show their creativity.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

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I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something 🙂

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Most emotional moment in a boys life, When a girl says, Can you give me your number 😀

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I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste 🙂

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I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others… 😛 😀

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Be careful of following the masses – remove the “m” and who exactly are you following?

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I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos. 😀

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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either 🙂

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If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.

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Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

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BRB = I don’t want to talk to you. LOL = I have nothing else to say. Cool = I don’t care.

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Fact: Phone on silent mode- 10 Missed call… Turns volume to loud- Nobody calls all day!!

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Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you Guys.

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When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…

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I am sure I have a defective iPhone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.

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For all the girls that say ….. All guys are the same …… Who told you to try them ALL.

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My biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death..!!

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Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.

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I don’t believe that love comes to those who wait. Today love comes to those who flirt. LOLz

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Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

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When people don’t laugh at my jokes I just assume that they’re not up to my level of comedy.

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Everything I like is either Illegal, Immoral, Fattening, Addictive, Expensive, or Impossible.

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If “Da Vinci Code” has been written by Punjabi author then its name would be “Vinci Da Code”!

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It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

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People who exercise live longer, but what’s the point when those extra years are spent at gym.

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How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday 🙂

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I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday 🙂

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I know the door to your heart belongs to another, but I think I can slip in through the window.

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My father always told me, ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.

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I Like to study.. Arithmetic – NO … world history – NO …. chemistry – NO …. GIRLS – YES!!!

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You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.

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Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.

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There’s like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world … huh

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If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.

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Laziness Is The Mother Of All Bad Habits But Ultimately She Is A Mother And We Should Respect Her.